Mittwoch Madness: Murder, Arraignments, and Debate Lines You Won’t Hear

A New Feature

Today I launching a new feature called “Mittwoch Madness.” Mittwoch is the German word for Wednesday which literally means “Mid-Week.” Clever huh? Anyway, these features will involve more lighthearted, satirical, and humorous commentary on events of the week. Of course humor is in the eye of the beholder, so if Jesus doesn’t have a sense of humor I’m screwed.

Murder at 29,000 Feet: Prigozhin Flambé

It was bound to happen. Putin’s Chef Yuri Prigozhin met an unforgettable end at 29,000 feet with nine of his best friend or associates aboard one of his Wagner Group Corporate jets on a flight between Moscow and St. Petersburg. Russian aviation officials blamed the crash on safety violations, presumably linked to bad borscht served aboard the aircraft.

Prigozhin had made a name for himself by selling hotdogs from a stand in St. Petersburg before growing the business into a catering service specializing in mercenary services. His stature made him one of Russian Vladimir Putin’s favorite caterers which earned his nickname “Putin’s Chef.” Putin reportedly loved Prigozhin’s Borscht Brats topped with pickled turnips. Prigozhin enhanced his reputation and menu by adding Syrian and African specialties, including Shrapnel Shawarma. His mercenary endeavors made him a more influential member of Putin’s crime family until the Wagner group showed up the regular Russian forces in Ukraine which made Prigozhin feel like his meatballs were bigger than Putin’s.

This embarrassed the Russian High Command who insisted on making Prigozhin’s catering operations part of the regular military. Sensing that this would dilute his recipes and make his offerings no better than bad Belorussian Borscht, Prigozhin rebelled and in Brief coup attempt embarrassed Putin. Prigozhin got out of Dodge quickly but kept coming back. Since Putin couldn’t get his people close enough to assassinate Prigozhin in one of the more traditional ways like ricin or radiation poisoning, or falling from a high rise balcony, Putin had to resort to the messier and less deniable means of shooting down Prigozhin’s aircraft. About the time of the shoot down Putin was seen looking at the watch on the wrong wrist for the time while presiding over a memorial and military awards cemetery at Kursk.

Arraignments in Atlanta

No Smile Today

The heavy hitters in the Georgia RICO indictments are beginning to turn them in to be arraigned at the super-sized traditional Southern Jail in Atlanta. Known as the Fulton County Jail conditions there are reportedly somewhere between Devil’s Island and the Hanoi Hilton. Over the past couple days eight the indicted members of team Trump have presented themselves to be arrested, read their rights, and been arraigned. All have had to meet bail, including “America’s Mayor,” Rudy Giuliani, who after presenting himself went to 2nd Chance Bail Bonds to secure his bond. Giuliani has been running low on cash and Don Donald refused to help him when he went begging to him for money for his legal fees. Trust me, the heads of the Five Mafia Families that Giuliani prosecuted never had to humiliate themselves in that manner.

The GOP Debate Lines You Will Never Hear

Chris Christie: I’m so fat, I can be my own running mate. Take that Donald, stop bitching about Fox using your fat and orange ugly mug.

Ron DeSantis: I’m more effective than a birth control pill, if you show my picture to a pregnant woman she will spontaneously abort. If she does that in Florida she will go to jail.

Tim Scott: It’s a well known fact that reality has a liberal bias and I will do a Michael Jackson to my skin to get this nomination from the racists here.

Asa Hutchinson: I’m from Arkansas but please don’t confuse me with Governor Sanders. I don’t look like Hermann Goering in drag.

Nicki Haley: I was against removing the Confederate Battle Flag before I was for it, and I promise to raise it over the White House if elected. I’m no flip-flopper.

Vivek Ramaswamy: I didn’t fly an airplane into the World Trade Center on 9/11/2001, but my Jewish roommate did with help from the CIA.

Mike Pence: I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

Doug Bergum: Give me your vote and get a $20 gift card, unless you want to buy an abortion pill.