On the pleasant evening of June 17th, 2015, members of the historic Mother Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church gathered for a Wednesday Night Bible study led by their Pastor, the Reverend Clementa Pinckney.
Your sentence construction (syntax), makes this essay difficult to digest. This one is particularly glaring
"The church is the oldest AME parish in the South and was founded by over 2000 Black members of three Methodist Episcopal parishes left after one of them decided to build a hearse garage over the Black burial ground on its property." It would help if the year of it's founding were included, just to place the historical significance of the place.
The fact that there was a split in the church does not seem to follow the theme of the piece and is a distraction for the important issues you are raising. I read the sentence three time and finally concluded that it needs to be edited out for clarity and relevance. There are several other instances in the essay which also need to be revised, but this one is the most glaring and since it occurs at the beginning, it sets the reader up for a disjointed read.
The content of the piece is critical, and that's why it's particularly important for the language to be tightened. As a former high school, writing teacher who hasn't corrected any essays (other than my own or my husband's) for years, I hope you appreciate my criticism. Even when I write to you I spend extra time making sure the writing is fluid. I strive to eliminate linguistic and content distractions that derail the message. Ask yourself: what am I trying to say and have I accomplished my goal? Maybe even read it out loud and see if it sounds right to you or your wife. Lucian does this with Tracy and I do this with Harry. Tricks of the trade!
I look forward to future correspondence from you, and with you!
Thank you for your comments. Readability is important to me. Unfortunately, it was so late (and I was so tired) when I finished that I didn’t go back to re-read it. That kept me from cleaning it up. I really do appreciate you comments and I will take them to heart in the future as I publish new posts.
Your sentence construction (syntax), makes this essay difficult to digest. This one is particularly glaring
"The church is the oldest AME parish in the South and was founded by over 2000 Black members of three Methodist Episcopal parishes left after one of them decided to build a hearse garage over the Black burial ground on its property." It would help if the year of it's founding were included, just to place the historical significance of the place.
The fact that there was a split in the church does not seem to follow the theme of the piece and is a distraction for the important issues you are raising. I read the sentence three time and finally concluded that it needs to be edited out for clarity and relevance. There are several other instances in the essay which also need to be revised, but this one is the most glaring and since it occurs at the beginning, it sets the reader up for a disjointed read.
The content of the piece is critical, and that's why it's particularly important for the language to be tightened. As a former high school, writing teacher who hasn't corrected any essays (other than my own or my husband's) for years, I hope you appreciate my criticism. Even when I write to you I spend extra time making sure the writing is fluid. I strive to eliminate linguistic and content distractions that derail the message. Ask yourself: what am I trying to say and have I accomplished my goal? Maybe even read it out loud and see if it sounds right to you or your wife. Lucian does this with Tracy and I do this with Harry. Tricks of the trade!
I look forward to future correspondence from you, and with you!
Babette,
Thank you for your comments. Readability is important to me. Unfortunately, it was so late (and I was so tired) when I finished that I didn’t go back to re-read it. That kept me from cleaning it up. I really do appreciate you comments and I will take them to heart in the future as I publish new posts.
Peace,
Steve